Blog: Closure After Four Long Years

When we ended, I told myself that you were the last girl I would ever love. There were no goodbyes, no final kiss, we just went our separate ways. You left me at the drop of a hat, gave me no chance to fight for you. You just shoved me into a place where I didn‘t want to be — a place where my heart turned into a useless muscle, and my brain into a piece of machinery that only you had control over. Since that day, I became your prisoner, and maybe ‘til now, I still am.

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Yesterday (10/26/12), was the first time I saw you after four years. I didn‘t know what to do or say. It felt awkward to be right in front of you, and judging by the way you acted, it was obvious that you felt the same. Everyone in that room felt the tension between us, and just like that, we‘re highschoolers again. It felt like the first day I met you — the awkwardness, the connection, the magic.

Your nervousness was so cute to watch. You looked so beautiful, more beautiful than ever. It took all the courage I had in me to stop myself from crumbling right in front of your eyes. I couldn‘t find the right words, so I let you speak first. And in that moment, as we were figuratively peeling off each other‘s bandages, I knew that our wounds have not completely healed.

Four years, and the wounds still feel new.

Hearing your words forced me to go back to that time in our lives when we were both in hell — a small price to pay for this talk that’s been so long overdue. I recall just sitting in front of you, straight-faced and frozen, with a volcano of thoughts and emotions erupting in my head. I couldn‘t believe you were in front of me saying all the things I‘ve wanted to hear for so long.

“Thank you, I’m sorry, and I’ve missed you.”

Thank you too. Thank you for finally giving me this.

Our talk made me realize a lot of things. For a minute I thought, giving it another shot was our best option, but we both know it’s not. Becoming friends isn’t going to help us either, and I understand that now. I know we still have a lot of what-ifs, but I’m not going to force you to do something you’re not ready to do. I’m not even sure if I’m still the same person that I was four years ago, maybe not.

The only thing that’s certain right now is that I still love you, and that this love will never change. Despite the unanswered questions hanging over our heads I can go to bed peacefully, because now I know that no matter where fate might take us, I am certain that you are the last girl I’m ever going to love.

Thank you.

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